Back in Peyton Place...

The weekend is calling, and thanks to good friends and loving family, I'm simmering down after last week's saga with the trees and nasty neighbours. Mr Suzy Q, a more congenial and forgiving sort than myself, disarms them entirely by waving madly and smiling at them as they skulk around, fiddling with their cellphones every time we pass each other. (Actually, as he always introduces me as his "current wife" perhaps I should now refer to him, as this is my very own space, as Mr SQ No 1, just to keep him on his toes. Waddya think gals?) Anyway, as I am not blessed with quite the same cheeriness and generosity of spirit as he is, a grudge is a grudge for a woman to bear after all, let's do what we're good at here girls, I am still contemplating my revenge. Do you know that even after we had removed all the branches from our garden, and a few higher up in the trees which had been missed had fallen onto their driveway (I swear it wasn't me, pinky promise) they continued to throw them back in the night!? I think that when Rex's poo bag is full to overflowing, I shall discreetly empty it's contents onto their verge next time we walk past, thereby sending them a message. Not quite a dead horse's head in the bed, but a sign to say, "Hey you, don't mess with Suzy Q!!"

But enough of that, subject closed, as we have nicer neighbours to tell you about. Over our other garden wall lives a family of pleasant people, and we have watched each other's children growing up these past ten years from a neighbourly distance. Whilst they were battling financially and poor things, their builder died before their house was completed, they still honoured their commitment to pay for their half of the boundary wall. When their trees became problematic on our side of the wall, we discussed the problem amicably with them, and assisted each other to sort them out with gifts and good manners. When they received my note forewarning them of our anniversary party and possible congestion and noise, they offered us extra parking space and delivered a beautiful bottle of wine to us with their congratulations and good wishes. We hope that we offer reciprocal friendliness and support. That's how it's done, thank you good neighbours! 

Across the road from us, in the house that was home to our German friends and neighbours on contract here for five years, live a new English family. I have introduced myself to them, and offered them tea and cake on arrival, but since then, haven't had so much as a wave from them. Funny fat family, piling into their big, shiny (washed by the gardener) black 4x4 to drive the rug rats off to school seven houses away in the mornings. A far cry from the previous tenants,  for whom we did the holiday chores when they went home for Christmas, and who so kindly looked after Rex if we went away. In fact, he was so well cared for there, that if ever the little blaggard did a runner, we knew he'd be sitting up on the kitchen stool there guzzling bratwurst!

A little further down the street lives, I am told by my informed sources (Suzy Q's spies are everywhere, I warn you!) a BEE executive. His children play cricket in the street despite having an oversized garden, and speaking of which, the man in mention can barely squeeze into his little Boxter, and doesn't do the shocks any good when he roars off over the speed humps. Over the way lives a Coloured family (since UCT finds it imperative to class and prioritize people according to colour, I see no reason why I shouldn't.) They are pleasant and peaceful except for the moment when their guests leave, and horns are tooted, and retooted. Totsiens.

A visitor once asked me on leaving whether I knew my  other neighbours but one. I do, and gave his name, as we have chatted pleasantly in passing, and they were offered our swimming pool for the use of his two little ones, before theirs was built. What I didn't say is that, all be he a bit of a wimp of a man, he is affectionately known as "the sex maniac" by us. Reason being, that all was going well until his wife showed signs of a new pregnancy, and their house was obviously too small for five of them. So while they moved out for nigh on a year, we were left to cope with the builders and noise and rubble and renovators, all of whom chose to use our driveway in which to reverse their ten ton trucks. Condomise them!


"Nice guy," I told my visitor.
"What about his wife?" he shouldn't have asked.
"Bit on the sniffy side," said I.
"Used to be a model," said he.
"Ho, that explains that!" replied Suzy Q, for she never initiates nor acknowledges a greeting.  Neither have I ever seen her kiss or hug her children when she sends them off to school. (Not quite The Valley of the Squinting Windows here, but dog walkers see and hear it all - police should use us more in their investigations.)
I used to think she ran a Bible Study Group on Fridays as her yummy mummy friends roared up looking so serious in their huge 4x4's, but it seems that she and all her  ex-model mates are probably giving lessons in colonic lavage, 'cos they're definitely not giving them in smiling. Must've been a hard fall for the Mighty Model from the catwalks of Milnerton.

Ta dah and have a fabulous weekend!


Suzy Q, with love and thanks for taking time to read me. xx

More flash fiction for your midweek coffee break...

Hello all. There have been a few requests for more flash fiction, so ever happy to oblige and give you a giggle during your working day break, here's another from the pen of Suzy Q especially for you...

                                      THE CONFERENCE

“Oh no, not again” she groaned as she struggled to get her head off the pillow. She tentatively opened one eye to ascertain exactly whose pillow it was. No clues there as she took in the rumpled bed and looked about her in the gloom of the hotel room. She draped the sheet about her and staggered into the bathroom to splash her face and gulp down a tumbler of water. Her eyes avoided the mirror, and took in the array of metro sexual lotions and potions at the basin. Nothing she detested more than men who spent more on their grooming products than she did.

She followed the trail her clothes had made through the empty room and got herself dressed, racking her brain for any recall of the night before. Then she found the note.

“Hey babe, off to join Man Com for a round of golf. We’ll be heading back to town on the jet, so no chance of seeing you again today. Fantastic conference hey!

Jack.

PS. You were great Suzy Q! “

“No, please no, not the nerd from Human Resources! HOW could that have happened?” she groaned again. As she slunk down the corridor to make her way back to her room, it all came back to her. “Curse Mike for suggesting those shooters,” she thought. It was, as always, One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor. Though the floor would have been preferable to sharing a bed with Jack. The bumpy bus ride back to town did nothing to help her aching head. Well, HR should at least be pleased that the team building exercise seemed to have been successful.

Rather as she had expected, there was an email from the Head of HR summonsing her to his office on Monday morning. With a leaden heart she made her way to the top floor, knowing full well the corporate policy on this sort of thing. There was mercifully no sign of Jack as she slunk into the Chamber of Death.

 “Well Miss Jones,” Mr. Heath began. “It seems you’ve been hiding your light under a bushel. Some of the isometric tests we did on conference showed that you have people skills which are utterly wasted in the IT department. I’d like to offer you a promotion as my PA, with immediate effect. Perhaps you’d care to join me for a cocktail here this evening to toast our new working relationship.”

        

Honeymoon in the Hinterland and Stellenbosch Adventures Part 2

Ok, all you voyeurs out there, you want me to get down to the nitty gritty, don't you? You surely want to know what happens when the lights go out on two tired, (but young at heart) old lovers...? Well I'll put you out off your misery and tell you that they simply go to sleep! 

We were warmly welcomed back to the Lanzerac, that much loved, gracious old lady of Stellenbosch, who on my last encounter, had been showing more than signs of age, she'd gone beyond senile dementia. Our previous stay gave us cause to rechristen the place Fawlty Towers of the Winelands, and on the strength of a polite letter, we were offered a complimentary overnight stay, thanks to Hans Steyn, the manager, which couldn't have come at a better time financially or physically. 

To our utter delight, we were taken up to one of the beautiful poolside suites, and had a private little patio with a beautiful view up over the vineyards to the Helderberg. After a welcome cup of tea, we had 40 winks, and went to revive ourselves in the magnificent swimming pool, feeling like right royalty in our fluffy white robes. (What is it about these appendages that elevate one's mood and status?) Now, I must confess, that if you hadn't cottoned on to this fact already, your Suzy Q loves little more (ask no questions, hear no lies) than to swim, and the Lanzerac boasts a swimming pool of note. It was obviously built in the days when pools were deep and of a decent length, to say the least. Oh to do laps up and down with the mountains and sky and vineyards in view was sheer bliss. Having had such a large lunch, we cried off dinner and sipped sundowners on our patio and chatted into the night about the highlights of our lives together, and of course our anniversary, and worried about the little Miss SQ's until we heard that they were safely back home. Hooray and time to crack the bubbly...

Morning dawned less clear, but the pool was irresistible to the likes of me, so I had the thrill of swimming in it all alone in the early morning mists. Damage of the day before hopefully undone!? Interesting thought though, can damage ever really be undone? That done to lives, homes, friends, egos, properties, health, relationships...? No I think the saying, "the damage has been done" holds true, no matter what further things you attempt to do. Moral of the story is "be careful what you do, for what is done can never be undone, and  will always come back to haunt you!"  Not sure where that spot of poolside philosophy came from. (See: Suzy Q thinking deeply from the depths of the pool.) Speaking of which, I think I can safely confess to you, I did a totally rebellious thing there. I disobeyed the "No Diving" sign and spent a deliciously decadent 15 minutes diving in and out of the deepest pool I've ever had the pleasure of swimming in, breaking out from my responsible, law abiding persona of always being five minutes early for everything I have to go to, and driving one kilometre under the speed limit. Watch out world!! Could this be the beginning of a New Suzy Q!?

But back to breakfast. We'd worked up a good appetite again, so tackled the delicious and very well stocked breakfast buffet with gusto. The old retainers looked after us well, and we feasted on fruits, yoghurts and cereals before being offered a hot cooked breakfast, which she of little appetite declined, but he who loves nothing more than a fry up, relished. 

We packed up wishing that we could spend another day relaxing by the pool, but responsibility and reality beckoned back home, however, not before one or two more pitstops. We had been offered a free wine tasting as guests, so popped into the winery on our way out. All modern now, the home of Pinotage and Lanzerac rose offers a tasting of four wines for R20. Guests, however, are only allowed to try two as part of their complimentary tasting. They only offer a thimbleful, so why stint on the tasting? Any marketing fool knows that the more people taste, the more they buy, so a bit of a shortfall of thought there.
www.lanzerac.co.za

 However we enjoyed it, and stopped in at the Botanical Gardens en route home, as I wanted to show Stellenbosch's answer to Kirstenbosch to Mr SQ. Being a man of wide spaces and big ideas, it didn't really do it for him, but paradoxically, he loved the bonsai garden - whew! Our stay in Stellenbosch was pleasant, but at the end of the day, east west, home's best!    

Honeymoon in the Hinterland and Stellenbosch Adventures Part 1

I have been meaning to fill you in on our mini "honeymoon" kids. Having been somewhat drained, physically and financially after our now famous anniversary party, we took up a longstanding offer to spend a night at the Lanzerac Hotel to rest, recharge our batteries and catch up with each other after all the hard work and excitement was finally over - sigh - do I really have to wait another twenty years for a fabulous party? In actual fact, that day changed my life, for public recommitment to Mr Suzy Q aside, I was left wondering why we don't always leave ourselves and our homes looking spic and span and gleaming shiny clean? I want to forever be swathed in white lace and ladylike kitten heels with flowers in my hair, rather than doing myself down in old sale rail clothes, and I want my bathrooms to house snowy white towels neatly folded up not piled up in a damp heap on the floor, and the whole house filled with fresh, fragrant flowers. Let's to it now!

But as usual I digress...We left on the Saturday morning for our sortie into the hinterland, which is in actual fact a mere 40 minutes from Cape Town, but seems worlds away. As we so seldom go out Stellenbosch way, we decided to visit a few places of interest along the way. Waterford Winery has been a place I've heard so much about, so it seemed like a good  first port of call. It was, as promised, impressive from the outset, with it's avenue up to the cellar, and Provencal inspired lavender lined entrance. We were greeted and welcomed on the steps by Ben, a very pleasant and knowledgable Maties student, and given time to look around the beautiful courtyard.  I would have loved to have done our wine tasting under the trees, but for a few floozies smoking and drinking next to the only available table. Peeps who are serious in any way about their food and wine, should NEVER allow smoking anywhere within a 100 mile radius. 

We took a table on the stoep, and were offered a deluxe wine and chocolate pairing for R65 a head. (Three wee mouthfuls of wine and three pieces of chocolate. Yegods, I've been known to have lunch and a decent glass of wine for that amount of money!)  I'm no doubt spoilt coming from the Constantia wine valley, where tastings are generous and complimentary, so it rankles a little to pay for a tasting when we go with the good intention of purchasing wine, but if that's the way it works out here, then go with the flow. However, the wine taster in me worries a little when red wine is set off against chocolate, as neither does the other any good, but for the fun and the spirit of the day, we enjoyed the experience, but not really the flavours on offer. I have since written to Kevin Arnold, the winemaker, to compliment him on the calibre of the staff (say nice things when you can and leave the bad stuff out, like the quality of the wines, is Suzy Q's motto) but I haven't had any response to thank me for the visit/interest/patronage/commentary. It doesn't take much to get one's secretary to send an email, but maybe he's busy working (hopefully) on the current vintage.www.waterfordwines.com

Starving with the hunger, we were advised to go next door to Dornier Bodega Restaurant for lunch. It has a beautiful view over the valley, and we surveyed both that and the menu with great intent. I am always a bit suspicious of well placed restaurants with magnificent views, as they tend to trade on position neglecting the epicurean side of things, and in this case I wasn't wrong sad to say. We were offered a compulsory two course lunch for R130. Being a gal who loves to lunch, but is a light eater, that seemed like being  bullied, but as were hungry and far from home, we made our choices and each ordered a glass of the house wine, while we waited, and waited, and waited...

We asked for bread and nibbled and reread the menu. Dornier offers "Farm Cuisine" (whatever that might mean?) that is "honest and transparent" (!?) Not sure what kind of wind farm they are referring to but here are two examples on their menu. Trust me, I had enough time to peruse it!


Norwegian Salmon miso zuke @ R70 for a starter.
Micro leaf, shiitake, "vegetable cuts" cucumber ribbon, candied tomoato, soy, chilli, garlic and ginger, white miso.


Not exactly mealie bread and bobotie from the farm as I know it, but then, perhaps this is their way of saying that boerekos has come of age...? 


Fresh Line fish with Liquorice Ghoo @ R130 for a main course.
Cauliflower puree, "liquorice" oven dried tomatoes, blanched broccoli, Pea shoots, Butternut skordalia.


Not quite clear what that lots all about and I can't imagine that melange of mismatched, pretentious sounding flavours? Frankly I prefer my waffle on my plate, not on the menu.

Our choices were pass remarkable, there was way too much food for our needs and I really hate to waste. The starter of roasted butternut ravioli with a tomato sauce (not that the two flavours complement each other in my book) would have been ample for me. Mr Suzy Q would also have been happy with a pleasant flammkuchen, without being obliged to overindulge in a second course. Perhaps we were misinformed, as a blackboard we spied afterwards offered a few other options. The service, whilst friendly, was always just a beat behind, and please remind me to ask next time I go to lunch whether there is a jungle gym. All the rug rats were on the whiny loose when they should have been having their afternoon nap, whilst their yummy mummies and ubercool daddies wined and dined the day away. A far cry from my day, when it was all I could do to get to the supermarket with two little ones in tow, let alone roar off to a wine farm for the afternoon in a 4x4 for a languorous, vinous lunch. And even further back in my youth (yes, aged as she is now and starting to sound like an old timer, Suzy Q had a youth too) it was a high day indeed if one got the Wimpy Bar on a birthday. What's changed in a generation or two? Well generations do change, Suzy Q is old and wise enough to acknowledge and recognize that, but is it for the better?  How are the little ones raised in sushi bars going to turn out? www.dornier.co.za

But hey, whilst we had fun being footloose and fancy free for the day, give me the Constantia winelands and restaurants any day for quality of food, wines and service, not to mention our own spectacular settings. And if you're really good and keep getting in touch with me, I'll let you in on my best kept secrets...


Lotsa love,
Suzy Q